Linda: I know he made you a promise, but circumstances have changed.
Frank: The nature of promises, Linda, is that they remain immune to changing circumstances.
* * *
Season 1, ep. 3:
Frank: What exactly happened?
Doug: A 17-year-old girl ran off the road texting her boyfriend, and I quote, "doesn't the Peachoid look like a giant..." And then she lost control of the car.
Frank: I grew up here, in the up country. Bibles, barbecues, and broken backs. Everything gets just a little bit thicker this far south. The air, the blood, even me. I try to make it down here at least once a month. Every trip is a reminder of how far I've come. I hated Gaffney as a kid, when I had nothing, but now I've come to appreciate it.
Frank: What's it look like to you?
Gene: Like a peach.
Frank: No, I mean what does it really look like?
Gene: As mayor, I stick with a peach. As a private citizen, well, it looks like the sun is shining where it shouldn't be.
Orrin: I'm not looking to make a deal, Frank.
Frank: It's not a deal. It's an opportunity.
Travor: She was breaking the law. End of story! You can't text while you drive.
Frank: Yeah, but all a jury's going to see is a beautiful 17-year-old girl who's now dead.
Travor: No offense, Frank, but you just got here. We've been dealing with this for the last week now.
Frank: And where's your solution?
Travor: What? You think you know better than us?
Frank: I'm just trying to be realistic.
Travor: Frank, I know you want to swoop down and save the day, but there's a principle at stake here. We allow ourselves to be extorted because of this teenager--
Frank: When Orrin gets a jury to weep a river of snot over this dead girl, when Gaffney goes tits up because you can't afford to pay a seven-figure award in damages, when you all get booted out of office and I lose to Chase, then you can chew my ear off about principles, because we'll all have nothing but time on our hands. Until then, you either contribute, or you keep it shut, Travis. Now, here's what we're going to do. Gene, how much can we pull together for a settlement if we had to?
Gene: About 150.
Frank: That'll work. Jamie, get your boys down to the hardware store to build two billboards. Put them out a mile out on either side of the tower. Have them read: "Drive safely. No texting behind the wheel."
Jamie: Got it.
Frank: And get those up by tomorrow morning.
Gene: I'll issue the permits.
Frank: And let's stop lighting the thing at night.
-- The peach farmers aren't going to like that.
Frank: Well, how much does the electric cost?
-- 4,100 plus change per month. About 50,000 a year.
Frank: Jesus, you could put a kid through college on… Let's use that money to start a scholarship fund in her name. Meantime, you tell the association, if they want it lit up, they can pay for it.
-- I'll deliver that message happily.
Frank: And do me up a budget and a plan for removing the sphincter.
-- The what?
Jamie: He means the emergency valve.
-- That's interesting. I always thought of it as a clitoris.
-- But it's on bottom. I believe the clitoris is above the--
-- But if you imagine a woman on her belly--
Frank: Enough. I want it done.
Best Frank quote: "Please, distract me from giant peaches and dead teenagers."