[to Badger] What'd you say to Baby-Face? Did you say anything stupid? By ‘anything stupid’ I mean anything at all.
Look at you. Mouth open, vocal chords a-twitter. We'll talk about it later.
[to Badger] Alright. Who do we have?
Badger: Brandon Mayhew.
Saul [looking through his files] Brandon Mayhew... Alright...Brandon Mayhew...ah, here we go. Public masturbation.
Saul: I don't get it. What's the kick? Why don't you do it at home like the rest of us, with a big flat-screen TV, 50 channels of Pay-Per-View. [looks back at the file] In a Starbucks! That's nice, heh-heh.
Badger: That ain't me, man! I'm...I was the guy who selling meth... allegedly.
Saul [looking through his files] OK, alright, I gotcha. Meth. Right. Sorry, that was a little transpositional error. Nothing that a little white-out can't take care of.
I'm gonna get you a second phone call, OK? You're gonna call your mommy or your daddy or your parish priest or your boy-scout leader, and they're gonna deliver me a check for $4650.00. I'm gonna write that down on the back of my business card. Four, Six, Five, Zero, OK? And I need that in a cashiers check or a money order, doesn't matter. Actually, ah, I want it in a money order and ah, make it out to "Ice Station Zebra Associates" - that's my loan out. It's totally legit... its done just for tax purposes. After that we can discuss Visa or Mastercard, but definitely not American Express, so don't even ask, alright? Any questions?
Saul: Better safe than sorry. That's my motto.
Walter White: Irish.
Saul: Faith and begorrah! A fellow potato eater! My real name's McGill. The Jew thing I just do for the homeboys. They all want a pipe-hitting member of the tribe, so to speak.
Walter: How did you find me?
Saul: We should talk about that. It should be much, much harder for people to track you down. My P.I. charged me for three hours, so I seriously doubt it took him more than one.
Walter: So this is what? Blackmail?
Saul: Walter, I'm your lawyer. Anything you say to me is totally privileged. I'm not in the shakedown racket. I'm a lawyer. Even drug dealers need lawyers, right? Especially drug dealers.
Walt: So what? You're just doing this out of the kindness of your heart?
Saul: C'mon. Have you seen my hourly rate? Heh-heh. Oh by the way, where do you keep the money? Is it in your mattress? Is it in a jelly jar buried in the side yard, huh? …
Walter: I'm no Vito Corleone.
Saul: No shit! Right now you're Fredo! But, y'know, with some sound advice and proper introductions, who knows? I'll tell you one thing: you've got the right product. Anything that gets the DEA's panties in this big a bunch, you're onto something special. And I would like to be a small and silent part of it. Food for thought, yeah? So if you want to make more money and keep the money that you make, better call Saul!
Walter [about Skyler’s being aware of his crime]: God... It's a disaster.
Saul: It is not a disaster. It's not a disaster, alright? She's not going to the cops, she's not telling a living soul! You wanna know why? One word: blowback. If she blabs, it'll be a disaster - for her. That DEA brother-in-law? Screwed! You were right under his nose. He'll be lucky if they let him bust glue sniffers at the hobby shop. The kids? Paging Dr. Phil! "My daddy's a drug dealer and my mommy turned him in"?! And the house? Gone! The Feds will come in and RICO [(in the US) Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act] her and the kids out on the street. Good luck arguing with them on that, noooo. It's not gonna happen. She's bluffing. And she knows it.
Mike [on the phone]: Yeah?
Saul: It's me. We may have a wife problem.
Walter: Did you bug my house?
Saul: ...Yeah. But I didn't know it was your house, did I? You moved out. Besides, you basically told me to.
Walter: I told you to?!
Saul: You strongly hinted that I should. You were worried about your wife, remember? You were concerned that she might say something to the police.
Walter: No, no, that's not true. When the hell did I say that?
Saul: Let's not get lost in the who, whats and whens. The point is we did our due diligence and she didn't talk. She kept quiet, she stood by you, Walt. Which, if you ask me, is the ironical silver lining here. I mean, on the one hand, sure, she snuck off the reservation to get some dirty damp and deep. On the other –...
Saul: Well, look at that. It's got PayPal and everything.
Walter: Cyber-begging, that's all that is. Just rattling a little tin cup to the entire world.
Saul [sarcastically] Yeah, there's no deep-seated issues there.
Saul [to Skyler after Walt introduced her to the lawyer]: Walter always told me how lucky he was, prior to recent unfortunate events… Clearly his taste in women is the same as his taste in lawyers: only the very best... with just a right amount of dirty!
Skyler: Do you even know Walt? I mean, how would he of all people buy a lazer tag business? It doesn't add up.
Saul: It adds up perfectly! Walt's a scientist, scientists love lazers. Plus, they got bumper boats, so...
Saul: Attitude adjustment.
Saul: If you're committed enough, you can make any story work! I once told a woman I was Kevin Costner, and it worked because I believed it.
Saul [to Walt] There's no honor among thieves... except for us of course.
Saul [to Walt and Jesse] Christ, you two! All I can say is if I ever get anal polyps, I know what to name them.
Saul: Agent Schrader! Beat any good suspects lately? [to the two detectives] Hey, tall and taller, ask him his history with my client. He knocked the poor kid unconscious last time they were alone together. So what'll it be, gentlemen, a civil rights lawsuit the size of Montana?
Saul: He’s okay? He said he was going to break my legs. And don't tell me he didn't mean it, okay? 'Cause he gave me the dead mackerel eyes. He meant it.
Saul: All I know is when he tells me your employer took him out in the desert and threatened to murder his entire family, I sat up and took notice. Because, hey, what am I if not family?
Saul: Don't drink and drive but if you do, call me.
Saul [about Hank problem]: Of course, there's always, um...
Walter: Always what?
Saul: Well, have you given any thought to, um, sending him to a trip to Belize?
Saul: Yeah, Belize. You know, where, um, where Mike went to. Off on a trip to, um, Belize.
Walter: Saul, you better not be saying what I think you're saying.
Saul: It's just conjecture on my part.
Walter: Hank is family.
Saul: Okay, it's an option that may –… It's an option that has worked very well for you in the recent past.
Walter [threatening]: Jesus, what is wrong with you?!
Saul: My mistake. Family. Off limit. Of course. I'm just throwing thoughts out there. This is a safe room, right?
You know what is okay to put in hot dogs? Huh? Pig lips and tails. But I say, hey, have at it bitches 'cause I love hot dogs.
Jesse [looks at Walt with sudden realization] I get it now! That's why you're doing all this. You want to make some cash for your people before you check out.
Jesse: Alright, brake pads. Okay. What are we building?
Walter: You said it yourself.
Jesse: A robot?!
Jesse: You either run from things, or you face them, Mr. White.
Walter: And what exactly does that mean?
Jesse: I learned it in rehab. It's all about accepting who you really are. I accept who I am.
Walter: And who are you?
Jesse: I'm the bad guy.
Jesse: Dude, you scared the shit out of me. When you say it's contamination. I mean, I'm thinking like... an ebola leak or something.
Jesse: Yeah, it's a disease on the Discovery Channel where all your intestines sort of just slip right out of your butt.
Walter: Thank you, I know what ebola is.
Walter [on phone at hospital with Skyler looking on] Well yes, I will be sure and pass your best wishes on to everyone. Thank you and goodbye.
Jesse [on phone back at meth lab] Oh yeah. And tell that douche bag brother-in-law of yours to go towards the light.
Walter: What advice do you have for me?
Gus: Never make the same mistake twice.
Walt [to Bogdan] Fuck you! And your eyebrows!
Walter [to psychiatrist] My wife is seven months pregnant with a baby we didn't intend. My fifteen-year old son has cerebral palsy. I am an extremely overqualified high school chemistry teacher. When I can work, I make $43,700 per year. I have watched all of my colleagues and friends surpass me in every way imaginable. And within eighteen months, I will be dead. And you ask why I ran?
Walter [about the plane crash]: I guess what I would want to say is… to … look on the bright side. First of all, nobody on the ground was killed. And that… I mean, an incident like this, over a populated urban center… That right there, that’s gotta be some minor miracle. So...
Walter: His buddies, Beaver and what's-his-name?
Kuby: Uh, Badger and Skinny Pete. Yeah, no, he's not with them.
Walter: They could be covering for him.
Kuby: I posed as a meter reader. I put a bug in the tall kid's mom's place. For three hours straight, all he talked about was something called Babylon 5.
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