Monday, 9 April 2012

The Office (UK). Brent-isms and other fave quotes. 1.1 Downsize

Season One, Episode One: Downsize

David Brent [by phone]: Sammy, you old slag. It's the Brentmeister General. [...]

I'm seeing you Sunday, aren't I? For my sins. How is Elaine? She left you yet? All right. See you then. [to the camera] She has left him. I forgot about that.

David [introducing]: Dawn Tinsley. Receptionist. Been with us for ages, haven't you?
Dawn: Yeah.
David: I'd say, at one time or another, every bloke here has woken up at the crack of Dawn!
Dawn: What?!
David: Can I have the mail, please?
Dawn: Yeah. Just a fax.

David: Dawn, this is from Head Office. There's a special filing cabinet for things from Head Office.
Dawn: You haven't...
David: The wastepaper basket!

David: There's guys my age, and they look 50. How old do you think I look?
Dawn: Thirty si...
David: Thirty, yeah.

[Meeting with Jennifer from Head Office]
David: Did we get a fax, Dawn?
Dawn: Yeah, we may have.

David: Then why isn't it in my hand? [looking at Jennifer] Because a company runs on efficiency of communication.
Dawn: You put it in the bin that was a special filing cabinet.
David: As a joke, yeah. It's meant to be bills. Doesn't really work with faxes.

David: Yeah, sure, she'd say she's the boss, but... There should be no ego when you're pulling together to do something good. Yeah? It's like... Comic Relief. Yeah?

I'm out here in Africa - I'm seeing the flies and the starvation - and she - if she is the boss - she's in the studio with Jonathan Ross and Lenny Henry. They're doing their bit counting the money, but their hands are clean, while I'm down here in the office with little starving kids.

David [to Ricky, the new temp – about Dawn] Did she tell you I was mad?

Ricky: Yeah. She said you had a nervous breakdown.
David: I haven't had a nervous breakdown.
Ricky: That was a joke. She said you were a good laugh and, you know...

David: What upsets me about the job? Um... Wasted talent, yeah? People could come to me and they could go, "David, you've been in the business twelve years. Can you spare us a moment to tell us how to run a team? How to keep them task-orientated as well as happy." But they don't. That's the tragedy.

David [showing Ricky around the office] This is the er... Accounts Department. The number bods.

Do not be fooled by their job descriptions. They are absolutely mad, all of them. Especially that one [about Keith]. He's mental. Not literally, obviously, that wouldn't work. Last place you'd want someone like that is in Accounts.

Gareth: Gareth Keenan, Assistant Regional Manager.
David: Assistant to the Regional Manager. My right-hand man.

Gareth: Oh, what is that?!
David: Slow down, you're moving too fast. Solomon's here. What's going on?

Gareth: He put my stapler inside a jelly again. That's the third time. It wasn't funny the first time.
David: Why has he done that?
Gareth: I told him I don't like jelly. I don't trust the way it moves.
David: What is in here?
Gareth: My stapler. [pulls the stapler out of the jelly]

David: Well, don't do that! Eat it out. [to the camera] There's people starving in the world, which I hate. It's a waste. [to Gareth] How do you know it's yours?
Gareth: It's got my name on it in Tippex.
David: Yeah. Don't eat it now. Chemicals.

David: What's that? [took Dawn’s book] ‘Popcorn’. Ben Elton. Funny?
Dawn: It's all right, yeah.
David: I had a bit of a scare earlier.
Dawn: Did you?

David: I thought I found a lump. I examine myself regularly but... It's fine. Terrifying. Testicular cancer. Cancer of them old testicles. What's that?
Dawn: It's a bit of brie.

David: From down there?
Dawn: Mmm.
David: See you later.

David [introducing] This is Sanj. This is Ricky. [to Ricky] This guy does the best Ali G impersonation.
Sanj: I can't. You're thinking of someone else.
David: Oh! Sorry. It's not you, it's the other one.
Sanj: The other what?
David: Um...
Sanj: Paki?
David: Ah. That's racist.

David: No, I don't have a great many ethnic employees, that's true, but it's not company policy... I haven't got a sign on the door that says, "White people only". I don't care if you're black, brown, yellow. Orientals make very good workers, for example.

David [to Ricky] Practical joke. Don't give me away. [to Dawn] Come in.
Dawn: Fax for you.
David: Thanks. Don't go, Dawn. Pull up a chair. I was going to call you in. I need a quick word. Um... As you are aware, there are going to be redundancies. You've made my life easier inasmuch as I'm going to let you go first.
Dawn: What?! Why?

David: Why? Stealing. Thieving.
Dawn: Thieving?!
David: Yeah.
Dawn: Er... What am I meant to have stolen?
David: Post-It notes.
Dawn: Post-It notes...?! What are they worth, about 12p?
David: Got your Bible on you, Ricky? ‘Thou shalt not steal unless it's only 12p’. You steal a thousand Post-It notes at 12p, you've made... [pause] a profit.
Dawn: Why would I steal Post-It notes? ...I've never stolen as much as a paper clip and you're firing me.
David: And I don't need to give you severance pay because it's gross misconduct. So you can go straight away.

[Dawn weeps]
David: Oh, now... That was a joke there. Good girl. It was a joke we were doing. Practical jokes for the good.
Dawn: You wanker.
David: Come on.

Dawn: You're such a sad little man.
David: Am I? Didn't know that.

David: What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people. Investment in people. Yeah? My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profit by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. A young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke English, he came to me and went, "Mr. Brent, will you be godfather to my child?" So... Didn't happen. We had to let him go. He was rubbish. He was rubbish.
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